“What Do You Get When You Cross a Mentally Ill Loner with a Society Who Abandons Him ..?”

“You get what you fucking deserve”- Joker

When I hear this dialog in the movie Joker, it totally makes sense. I think about those who are mentally ill that can’t get the help they need. Then, when they snap and kill themselves or others, people question what could have been done to stop this person. Well, for starters, better mental health facilities with qualified staff would work.

From my personal experience, the VA comes to mind. You have staff there that has not dealt with or been trained to handle people with PTSD or mental illness. Of course you have a few psychologist or therapist that understand it, but even then you are pushed out into the civil sector with people who have no life experiences or can’t relate to the patient. All they have is a piece of paper or two hanging in a frame on the wall showing that they can write a thesis.

Around the later part of 2000, as Security Forces, I was in a foxhole with another SF member on our post. Like most SF members do when guarding something, you do “one up, one down” which basically means one person sleeps while the other stays awake. Of course this is frowned upon, but when you are working 12 hours shifts in the dark, it tends to happen. Anyways, one night it was my partners turn to stay up while I slept. Well, I woke up to something tapping the back of my head. When I opened my eyes, my partner was staring at me wide eyed. Then I hear “Airman Gonzales, you are fkn dead.” The staff sergeant took my loaded m16 and stuck it to the back of my head. That was the tapping that woke me up. My stupid mfkn partner fell asleep after me and could have gotten us killed. From that day forward, I do not like when people are behind me. Someone from my civilian job once came up behind me and flicked the back of my neck. Mind you I already told my coworkers not to come up behind me, yet this dumb shit thought it would be a good idea. Well, I turned around, made a fist and told him that if he ever did that again that I would fkn kill him. His smile didn’t last long when he noticed I wasn’t playing. Now of course I wasn’t really going to kill him, but I really would have jaw jacked him if I didn’t think before I acted.

The VA set me up with a therapist on the outside and it didn’t go so well. When the person says “well Robert, you know you should have probably stayed awake” it doesn’t sit well with me. No shit sherlock, I’m glad you studied a college text book to tell me that. This is why the VA needs to attract more healthcare veterans to work at the VA. You want to be able to talk to someone who possibly had the same or similar experiences as yourself.

At least the VA pays for my sessions. Honestly, I saw what they charged the VA and couldn’t believe it. How can someone who is mentally ill and homeless or living paycheck to paycheck be expected to pay these crazy amounts? Of course you may have health insurance, but you are only allotted so many times per year. You see someone for 12 sessions because that’s is all you are allowed, but a 13th session could have been the session that prevented you from killing yourself that night.

The system is not set up to help you, it is set up to help itself. When you are denied being seen by a mental health professional because you are homeless, have no insurance, no money, no means of payment, well …you get what you fucking deserve.

Having my Dale Earnhardt Sr. moment.

Just as Earnhardt was so close to winning the Daytona 500 with only 3 laps to go before hitting a wall, I too have hit a wall. I’m in my last class for my Master’s and can’t get past this writer’s block.

I’m doing my paper on the connection of PTSD and Veteran suicide.  I have my usual writing supplies, a venti cool lime refresher from Starbucks and Ottmar Liebert’s “Waiting 4 the Stars 2 Fall” playing on continuous loop.  Ottmar Liebert is my go to guy for paper writing.  When I was younger, my dad bought his CD after hearing him on the Weather Channel.  How funny is that, getting music from the Weather Channel.

This song is beautiful.  What’s more awesome is how much is sounds like “Camilla” from Art of Noise.  I don’t know if it was supposed to be similar but I like it.

Well, I guess i’ll suck it up and just start typing some on this paper.

11/9/14

First things first…Cutler is a fkn idiot and needs to go. The Bears shouldn’t be this bad with all the good players on this team.

For some reason i think about death.  I mean, not really how I’ll die, but my funeral.  I guess it’s just planning ahead.  I’ve told my wife that I want to be cremated, with part of my ashes spread in alamogordo and the other part kept for her.  Of course though, she wasn’t going for it.  I then told her to have my ashes added to some tattoo ink and get a small tattoo in remembrance of me. Nope.  So then I said fk it, donate my body to the Body Farm.  The problem with that though is that is, it’s expensive to ship my ass from here to Tennessee.  I don’t really want a casket. I don’t see the point of paying all that money just to look good before you rot.  I’m going to get a military funeral since I’m a veteran and of course my wife will get the flag, but after that, just throw my body to the wolves.

The funny thing is, even though I don’t want an actual funeral, I do want music played.  I already have songs picked out.  1) I’ll fly with you by Gigi D’agostino 2)Broken Wings by Mister Mister 3) Father Figure by George Michael 4) My Way by Frank Sinatra 5)Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol and 6) My Immortal by Evanescence 7)Slippin by DMX 8) Celebration by Cool and the Gang.  I know you’re probably thinking ..why?  Each one of these songs has a special meaning to me which i won’t get into right now.

I know it’s crazy, but I also told my wife that if I do have to have a true funeral, I want my tattoos cut off and put in a case with formaldehyde to be put on display.  Again, like the songs, each tattoo tells a story.  Now, you and I both know that my wife wouldn’t do that, but I still think that would be pretty cool.  Plus, I spent a lot of money on them, why not show them off in frames?

Did i mention how much Cutler sucks balls.

Veterans Day is coming up and I think that all veterans should get a mandatory paid day off on that day.  When I say veteran, I’m not talking about all military men or women.  Only those that have been TDY or who are out of the service.  If you’re in the military and haven’t left the states, then really you’re not a veteran of anything.  I know some won’t agree with that but hey..whatever.

6/30/2014

Last Friday I had an interview at the Rock Island Arsenal for a security position. Being that I was Security Forces in the military I figured I would not have a problem landing it.  They only had 10 positions available with 32 people showing up.  I got there about 0840 for the 0900 interview that lasted about 15 minutes.  They then made myself and 21 others wait until 230 just to tell us that we didn’t make the cut.  I wan’t mad, just disappointed.  I mean, there were a lot of qualified veterans, some medically retired. Friday night though I received a call for an interview today for a residential counselor position.  I’m pretty excited and thought well maybe me not getting that job at the arsenal was a good thing.  The pay is not very good but it is a foot in the door in the counseling world.  I would eventually like to end up counseling at the VA. 

My wifey and I are going to Puerto Villarta in Aug, should be fun. Here is the kicker though…I have wanted to go back to Texas since I first left in 2003.  I’ve gone so far as telling wifey that if we were to get divorced, I’d hope on the first greyhound back.  Well wouldn’t you know, our flight home first has a stop in Dallas.  That sucks.  Im trying to convince the airline to change our return date back to the shithole Midwest by at least 4 days.  I have friends in Tex that I want to see.  It will probably be a no go though.  Just my luck.  

Currently, I’m trying to order my book for class.  I ordered it through amazon and they send me 2nd edition instead of 5th edition.  Collage books are a joke.  Especially now that they are moving toward electronic books.  Example, I have to pay on average $65 to rent an electric book.  This gives me access to this for 180 days.  There is no way in hell that anyone should have to pay that just to rent a licensing fee.