I’m sorry

As I was sitting at home last night, I was thinking about my daughter and how I feel bad that I might be a burden to her as she grows up.

I’m 41 years old, but have the body of a 96 year old man. Along with my military disability I am now having trouble with my legs, thanks to Covid. When I got rid of Covid, the only issues I had was covid cough. Basically coughing non stop out of the blue. However, a week or so later, I began having issues with my legs. Pain from my hips to my feet along with numbness. Lately I have been having trouble walking up steps and being able to get out of the car or off the couch. I’ve read that people who have had covid are experiencing lose of motor skills. Then again, maybe it’s just a pinched nerve.

Back to my daughter. The best moment of my life so far has been the birth of my daughter. I envisioned playing ball with her. Holding her bike while she learns to ride. Staying up late to yell at her for not being home on time. Seeing her graduate high school. And having a father daughter dance at her wedding.

As i stated, last night I was thinking about all these things. If im in pain at 41, how will it be when im 60 and she’s 20? I say I’m sorry because I don’t know if I’ll be able to be the active dad that her friends might have. As a diabetic, I have my eyes and my feet to worry about. I can still dance with no feet (I dance like i don’t have feet now anyways lol) and I can dance without my sight. But how do you dance in a wheelchair? How unfair is it that she sees her friends dancing with their dads, while she dances and Im rolling around?

Please understand that I know I can be a great dad while in a wheelchair. But not being able to give her a great childhood because of a disability, makes me sad. I also understand that at this point, this is all an assumption. Hell, I will hopefully step on her toes during the father daughter dance.

I didn’t really give this much thought as a diabetic. Maybe it was me not taking it seriously, or maybe because i wasn’t showing any symptoms. But after Covid, this has really made me scared. Just the other day, my dad saw how hard it was for me to get off the couch as I was holding my daughter. What’s going to happen when she’s a 9 year old who falls and twist her ankle and I have to pick her up?

I know there are those who will say “at least she’ll have a dad”. That’s true, but what’s the point of having a car with a blown transmission. Yeah, having a car is nice but if it doesn’t work, it doesn’t help much.

As we close out Christmas

This Christmas I think meant more to me than any others in the past. Around 6 family members, along with myself, had Covid. Watching those around us get sick and knowing that the hospitals can’t help, was draining. And although we all felt like death, we pulled through. Being a diabetic, what scares me right now is that I have noticed my eyesight is worse after having Covid. As I said, we pulled through it, but I think we all know someone, whether it be family or friends that has experienced a loss of someone from Covid. We also have to remember our troops who are overseas right now missing their families, not knowing if there family is healthy or if their spouse is being faithful. 20 years ago this week, I called my then girlfriend who was also in the service, to wish her a Merry Christmas. Her mom answered and said she was in the hospital, recovering from her abortion. I should have a 20 year old son right now, but she went behind my back, 5 months pregnant and gave into her moms demands that she aborts it. So I know first hand how our troops overseas right now on this Christmas day are feeling and what kind of thoughts are going through their head about their loved ones back home. As I stated, this Christmas meant more to me because it made you realize that its not the presents around the tree, but the presence of those around you, is what matters.

“What Do You Get When You Cross a Mentally Ill Loner with a Society Who Abandons Him ..?”

“You get what you fucking deserve”- Joker

When I hear this dialog in the movie Joker, it totally makes sense. I think about those who are mentally ill that can’t get the help they need. Then, when they snap and kill themselves or others, people question what could have been done to stop this person. Well, for starters, better mental health facilities with qualified staff would work.

From my personal experience, the VA comes to mind. You have staff there that has not dealt with or been trained to handle people with PTSD or mental illness. Of course you have a few psychologist or therapist that understand it, but even then you are pushed out into the civil sector with people who have no life experiences or can’t relate to the patient. All they have is a piece of paper or two hanging in a frame on the wall showing that they can write a thesis.

Around the later part of 2000, as Security Forces, I was in a foxhole with another SF member on our post. Like most SF members do when guarding something, you do “one up, one down” which basically means one person sleeps while the other stays awake. Of course this is frowned upon, but when you are working 12 hours shifts in the dark, it tends to happen. Anyways, one night it was my partners turn to stay up while I slept. Well, I woke up to something tapping the back of my head. When I opened my eyes, my partner was staring at me wide eyed. Then I hear “Airman Gonzales, you are fkn dead.” The staff sergeant took my loaded m16 and stuck it to the back of my head. That was the tapping that woke me up. My stupid mfkn partner fell asleep after me and could have gotten us killed. From that day forward, I do not like when people are behind me. Someone from my civilian job once came up behind me and flicked the back of my neck. Mind you I already told my coworkers not to come up behind me, yet this dumb shit thought it would be a good idea. Well, I turned around, made a fist and told him that if he ever did that again that I would fkn kill him. His smile didn’t last long when he noticed I wasn’t playing. Now of course I wasn’t really going to kill him, but I really would have jaw jacked him if I didn’t think before I acted.

The VA set me up with a therapist on the outside and it didn’t go so well. When the person says “well Robert, you know you should have probably stayed awake” it doesn’t sit well with me. No shit sherlock, I’m glad you studied a college text book to tell me that. This is why the VA needs to attract more healthcare veterans to work at the VA. You want to be able to talk to someone who possibly had the same or similar experiences as yourself.

At least the VA pays for my sessions. Honestly, I saw what they charged the VA and couldn’t believe it. How can someone who is mentally ill and homeless or living paycheck to paycheck be expected to pay these crazy amounts? Of course you may have health insurance, but you are only allotted so many times per year. You see someone for 12 sessions because that’s is all you are allowed, but a 13th session could have been the session that prevented you from killing yourself that night.

The system is not set up to help you, it is set up to help itself. When you are denied being seen by a mental health professional because you are homeless, have no insurance, no money, no means of payment, well …you get what you fucking deserve.

See you soon.

This last weekend has probably been one of the hardest times in my life.  My grandfather passed away about 2 days after being taken off of dialysis.  As the oldest grandchild, I think when it all happened, I was more worried about making sure my cousins and family were ok, rather then let my emotions get the best of me.  It was after all just a matter of time after they stopped dialysis.  Even though it was expected and you try to prepare yourself, it’s still heartbreaking.  I know some people lose them when they are young, but I’ve been blessed to have had mine through my adult years.  The first grandparent i lost was my mothers mom when i was about 19 or 20.  So now 18 years after losing my mothers mom,  I’ve lost my fathers dad. Seeing my dad at my grandpa’s bedside after he passed is an experience I do not ever want to feel again, only i know that I’ll have to go through it 4 more times.  My grandpa was awesome.  He talked shit, gave me the finger and told me he loved me all at the same time.  Today at work, I think the realization finally hit because I broke down.  I think about my dad the most. He was close to my grandpa like I am close to my dad.  He can no longer call him on the phone, or watch the Cubs or Blackhawks with him. That scares me the most. There will be a day that I wont be able to call my dad, celebrate a Hawks goal, or go golfing with him.  My grandpa hated going to the hospital for dialysis and for medical shit, so saying that I wish he was still here would be selfish on my part.  Death is inevitable and I understand that, just wish taking the lose would be easier.  Here is the picture slide show I did for the visitation.    

 

 

 

 

 

 

266 lbs

266lbs.  That’s how much i weigh after this damn flu/cold that kicked my ass since Thursday night.  Not bad, being that i was just weighing in at 278lbs. I hate being sick.  Not so much the congestion and coughing, but because of my back being bad, every time i sneeze, my body locks up and im in so much pain. Seriously, my body going into paralyze mode for about four secs after the sneeze.  My bs VA doctors say its due to my muscles and tendons being tight. Anyways, it’s not fun.  Now my wifey is sick, poor girl.  She tries to take care of me and now she is fighting this crap.

Today’s classic movie of the day is Garbage Pail Kids. 

 

 

1/2/15

Well, it’s 9:38am.  I wanted to be at the gym at 8am.  Now I know people usually do the gym thing right after new years, but as I stated in my last post, this is not a resolution.  I want to go because of my health.  I’m diabetic and my body has been feeling like shit.  Blurry vision, back pain from the military, dizziness, vertigo, stomach issues, yada yada yada.  So now I sit here an hour and thirty eight minutes after the target time. I could use that as an excuse and just say there is always tomorrow.  But, just like me being a cubs fan and saying wait till next year, tomorrow may not come.

Before I go, I was talking to my wifey the other night about how you look back at shit and wonder how things would have played out if you did things differently.  I was a very bad gambler.  We’re talking cash my paycheck on the boat and play till you have nothing left gambling.  I owe  a lot to my sister for letting me live with her and her husband, even if my “bedroom” was a couch on their basement.  I mean really, after the service and being a corrections officer, I didn’t have shit thanks to gambling.  Believe me that shit created a lot of arguments between me, friends and family.  When I worked at Center for Alcohol and Drug Services, the clients asked if i was a recovering addict like them.  Well, yes, to a point.  Gambling was my drug.  The same uneasiness you experienced when that pipe was getting lit and then the calm serenity after you took that breath, is what I felt when i pulled that lever on the slot machine.  It wasn’t until my dad called 1800 Bets Off that I stopped.  Believe me, it wasn’t by choice.  I had to go to meetings, I had to get my picture taken at each of the casinos and I was banned for life from all casinos in Iowa and IL.  So again, I look back and think goddamn had you put that money towards your bills and not the slot machine, you’d have damn near perfect credit.  O’well, like I’ve told my students, your eyes are on your face because you are supposed to look forward…

Off to the gym I go.

09/29/2014

Wow, it’s been about two months since i’ve been on here.  I am now working again, thankfully.  However I have been sick since last Tuesday and have had to call in twice. I think that we can all agree that twice in a one month period is too much, but i’m damn near dying over here.  I have an upper respiratory infection and have been put on antibiotics.

When i last wrote, I spoke of my wifey and I going to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.  It was not too bad except if we were to go again, I would not book the Hilton.  I’ve stayed at the Hilton before, but this place was not up to par.

Thank god hockey starts in about 10 days.  My dad and I are going to the home opener for the Blackhawks.  I’ve never been to a home opener so it should be fun.  We are also going to a game on Nov. 16th along with my bro in law. My dad is trying to convince me to go up to Detroit for the Hawks Redwings game on Nov. 14th.  Which means 6 hours of my dad driving to detroit, staying the night at my uncles, then heading to Chicago early Sunday morning.

So I learned that my ex supervisor that I had at CADS walked out.  Happy for him, they treated him like shit.  When an organization has people resigning or walking out, maybe the board should take a step back and look at upper management.  Also, it has come to my attention that the CEO looks at my blogs here.  Well Sir, you keep running your mouth, expect a Defamation, Libel and Slander lawsuit.  That also pertains to your yes men in HR.

Big ups to Whitney Houston, she’s been clean for over 2 years now.