“What Do You Get When You Cross a Mentally Ill Loner with a Society Who Abandons Him ..?”

“You get what you fucking deserve”- Joker

When I hear this dialog in the movie Joker, it totally makes sense. I think about those who are mentally ill that can’t get the help they need. Then, when they snap and kill themselves or others, people question what could have been done to stop this person. Well, for starters, better mental health facilities with qualified staff would work.

From my personal experience, the VA comes to mind. You have staff there that has not dealt with or been trained to handle people with PTSD or mental illness. Of course you have a few psychologist or therapist that understand it, but even then you are pushed out into the civil sector with people who have no life experiences or can’t relate to the patient. All they have is a piece of paper or two hanging in a frame on the wall showing that they can write a thesis.

Around the later part of 2000, as Security Forces, I was in a foxhole with another SF member on our post. Like most SF members do when guarding something, you do “one up, one down” which basically means one person sleeps while the other stays awake. Of course this is frowned upon, but when you are working 12 hours shifts in the dark, it tends to happen. Anyways, one night it was my partners turn to stay up while I slept. Well, I woke up to something tapping the back of my head. When I opened my eyes, my partner was staring at me wide eyed. Then I hear “Airman Gonzales, you are fkn dead.” The staff sergeant took my loaded m16 and stuck it to the back of my head. That was the tapping that woke me up. My stupid mfkn partner fell asleep after me and could have gotten us killed. From that day forward, I do not like when people are behind me. Someone from my civilian job once came up behind me and flicked the back of my neck. Mind you I already told my coworkers not to come up behind me, yet this dumb shit thought it would be a good idea. Well, I turned around, made a fist and told him that if he ever did that again that I would fkn kill him. His smile didn’t last long when he noticed I wasn’t playing. Now of course I wasn’t really going to kill him, but I really would have jaw jacked him if I didn’t think before I acted.

The VA set me up with a therapist on the outside and it didn’t go so well. When the person says “well Robert, you know you should have probably stayed awake” it doesn’t sit well with me. No shit sherlock, I’m glad you studied a college text book to tell me that. This is why the VA needs to attract more healthcare veterans to work at the VA. You want to be able to talk to someone who possibly had the same or similar experiences as yourself.

At least the VA pays for my sessions. Honestly, I saw what they charged the VA and couldn’t believe it. How can someone who is mentally ill and homeless or living paycheck to paycheck be expected to pay these crazy amounts? Of course you may have health insurance, but you are only allotted so many times per year. You see someone for 12 sessions because that’s is all you are allowed, but a 13th session could have been the session that prevented you from killing yourself that night.

The system is not set up to help you, it is set up to help itself. When you are denied being seen by a mental health professional because you are homeless, have no insurance, no money, no means of payment, well …you get what you fucking deserve.

3/9/15

It’s been awhile since I’ve last written I know, but it’s been a crazy time in my life.  I’m still looking for another job, that hasn’t changed. I have had interviews, but i’m looking for a career move, not just another job.  The problem i’m having right now is that i’m either too over qualified, or just not qualified enough.  It really pisses me off that here I am with a bachelor degree, working on my masters and can’t get assistance.  Yet, you have third generation welfare families with no high school diploma and they have a fridge full of food, cable, cellphone, $36 for rent and haven’t worked in years.  Sonny was right,the workin man is a Sucka! – Bronx Tale

I almost have my costume ready for Chicago’s WizardCon.  I’m going as Barf from spaceballs and my niece is going as batman.  I’m crazy excited to take her cause she is such an awesome kid and I think she will have a blast.  I’m taking my nephew to his first wwe ppv next month which i know will make him shit his pants.  Not being able to have kids myself, i enjoy doing those types of things with my nieces and nephews.  Now if i can only get my nephew addicted to hockey lol

This weekend, i decided to go visit my biological mom in Missouri.  I have not lived with her since I was about 6, so unfortunately when i visit, we tend to argue about something. She has her way of thinking and i have my dads.  It doesn’t mix.  So yeah, we got into an argument because my mom has beef with her niece,my cousin.  My cousin asked me to go to lunch with her and my other cousins, however because of this dumb ass beef, my mom was having none of it.  However, i’m 35 and i’m going to do what i want, so i went and had an awesome time catching up with my cousins.  My mom said some things to me that I wont put on here but didn’t make me feel very good, especially coming from a mom.  I love my mom no matter what, after all she is my mom. It’s just hard when you have not lived with someone or been at least in the same state as someone for over 25 years.  Personalities and attitudes clash. I do have a step mom,but i introduce her as mom to people i meet.  She has been my mom since i was like 6.  I’ve just never got around to calling her mom, don’t know why.  I should since she is the one who has raised me..it’s difficult to explain I guess.

I did however have a kick ass time with my sister and her husband.  My sister and i also have never lived together really except for maybe till she was 4.  We usually fight ever damn time we see each other.  She is strong minded as am I and we don’t hold back.  But for some reason, this time we bonded unlike before. If there is one thing i wish I could go back and change in my life, it is that i would have been a better brother to both of my sisters.  I try to make up for it now that we are older, but there are many years that could and should have been better.

It’s actually funny how when your body is sick, you start to think about the life you have lived and things you would have changed, like it’s going to heal you now.  Actually that is not very good to do, it can bring depression and anxiety and make you feel worse.

I love Paige from WWE, just getting that out there.

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