I’m sorry

As I was sitting at home last night, I was thinking about my daughter and how I feel bad that I might be a burden to her as she grows up.

I’m 41 years old, but have the body of a 96 year old man. Along with my military disability I am now having trouble with my legs, thanks to Covid. When I got rid of Covid, the only issues I had was covid cough. Basically coughing non stop out of the blue. However, a week or so later, I began having issues with my legs. Pain from my hips to my feet along with numbness. Lately I have been having trouble walking up steps and being able to get out of the car or off the couch. I’ve read that people who have had covid are experiencing lose of motor skills. Then again, maybe it’s just a pinched nerve.

Back to my daughter. The best moment of my life so far has been the birth of my daughter. I envisioned playing ball with her. Holding her bike while she learns to ride. Staying up late to yell at her for not being home on time. Seeing her graduate high school. And having a father daughter dance at her wedding.

As i stated, last night I was thinking about all these things. If im in pain at 41, how will it be when im 60 and she’s 20? I say I’m sorry because I don’t know if I’ll be able to be the active dad that her friends might have. As a diabetic, I have my eyes and my feet to worry about. I can still dance with no feet (I dance like i don’t have feet now anyways lol) and I can dance without my sight. But how do you dance in a wheelchair? How unfair is it that she sees her friends dancing with their dads, while she dances and Im rolling around?

Please understand that I know I can be a great dad while in a wheelchair. But not being able to give her a great childhood because of a disability, makes me sad. I also understand that at this point, this is all an assumption. Hell, I will hopefully step on her toes during the father daughter dance.

I didn’t really give this much thought as a diabetic. Maybe it was me not taking it seriously, or maybe because i wasn’t showing any symptoms. But after Covid, this has really made me scared. Just the other day, my dad saw how hard it was for me to get off the couch as I was holding my daughter. What’s going to happen when she’s a 9 year old who falls and twist her ankle and I have to pick her up?

I know there are those who will say “at least she’ll have a dad”. That’s true, but what’s the point of having a car with a blown transmission. Yeah, having a car is nice but if it doesn’t work, it doesn’t help much.

Happy Meal

Before I picked up my daughter from her moms house, I decided to go to the McDonald’s drive through and get her some nuggets and fries. My daughter is 16 months old and like any kid her age, is very picky.

Anyways I figured I’d just get myself the nuggets and fries and give her a few of mine. As I’m looking at the menu, I see they still have the happy meals. I say “still” because I know the fun police is trying to stop anything that may lead to obesity because of a toy in a bag. Stupid I know.

So i grab the happy meal and start to think of all the times my parents bought me and my sister one. If I had to lift a finger on one hand as to how many times, I’d still be making a fist. I honestly can not remember us ever getting happy meals. That’s besides the point i guess.

So I get my daughter, strap her in her car seat and we start our way back to my apartment. I look in the rear view mirror and see her little face staring out of the window. I reach in my bag and grab a fry to give to her. I reach back and i can see her little hand move up to grab it.

It’s like watching a fighter jet refuel while still in the air. The pilot must be thinking “steady…steady..”. Well that’s how it felt. I’m trying to make sure her little hand has a hold of this golden fry. With a little bit of movement, we have success.

Back to the happy meal. So we get home and i put her in her high chair, grab her the chocolate milk, the nuggets and the fries. She goes straight for the fries, which I don’t blame her…it was a good batch today. But then I pulled out the toy. The look on her face was as if she witnessed King Arthur pull Excalibur from the stone. Her face lit up with a smile and she started clapping. I pulled the Minions toy out of the plastic and handed it to her. Sure, I could have waited to give it to her, but why?

For those that don’t know me, I have always wanted kids. I didn’t get blessed with one until I was 39, so it was kind of a late start. As my friends are getting excited for their kids high school or even college graduation, I am getting excited about a happy meal.

Will she remember this happy meal? Of course not. And to be honest, I probably wont either. But right now at this moment in time, a small box with golden arches and a toy put a smile on both of our faces.

Just the two of us

Well, actually 5 but for the sake of this blog I’ll just say the two of us.  I’m talking about me and my kick ass little daughter who is 2 1/2 months old.  This little girl is everything I’ve ever wanted in my life. Obviously I couldn’t have this little one by myself, I owe everything to my girlfriend.  For some reason, she figured I’d be a great guy to have a child with and here we are lol. People say that she looks like me, I think she has my eyes and my ears, but she has her moms lips and nose. I can’t wait for her to be able to crawl, walk, and talk but that will come with time.  Right now i’m just taking it all in and loving every minute of it. I look at her and wonder how some parents can purposely do harm to their child? You have this innocent little person who looks to you for food, love, and of course diaper changing. How can you bring yourself to harm them? Shit, she hit her head on my chin and i almost starting crying my damn self cause i felt bad.  I love my little girl more than anything in the world. I would die for her, and best believe, I’d kill to protect her. Untitled-1