I’m sorry

As I was sitting at home last night, I was thinking about my daughter and how I feel bad that I might be a burden to her as she grows up.

I’m 41 years old, but have the body of a 96 year old man. Along with my military disability I am now having trouble with my legs, thanks to Covid. When I got rid of Covid, the only issues I had was covid cough. Basically coughing non stop out of the blue. However, a week or so later, I began having issues with my legs. Pain from my hips to my feet along with numbness. Lately I have been having trouble walking up steps and being able to get out of the car or off the couch. I’ve read that people who have had covid are experiencing lose of motor skills. Then again, maybe it’s just a pinched nerve.

Back to my daughter. The best moment of my life so far has been the birth of my daughter. I envisioned playing ball with her. Holding her bike while she learns to ride. Staying up late to yell at her for not being home on time. Seeing her graduate high school. And having a father daughter dance at her wedding.

As i stated, last night I was thinking about all these things. If im in pain at 41, how will it be when im 60 and she’s 20? I say I’m sorry because I don’t know if I’ll be able to be the active dad that her friends might have. As a diabetic, I have my eyes and my feet to worry about. I can still dance with no feet (I dance like i don’t have feet now anyways lol) and I can dance without my sight. But how do you dance in a wheelchair? How unfair is it that she sees her friends dancing with their dads, while she dances and Im rolling around?

Please understand that I know I can be a great dad while in a wheelchair. But not being able to give her a great childhood because of a disability, makes me sad. I also understand that at this point, this is all an assumption. Hell, I will hopefully step on her toes during the father daughter dance.

I didn’t really give this much thought as a diabetic. Maybe it was me not taking it seriously, or maybe because i wasn’t showing any symptoms. But after Covid, this has really made me scared. Just the other day, my dad saw how hard it was for me to get off the couch as I was holding my daughter. What’s going to happen when she’s a 9 year old who falls and twist her ankle and I have to pick her up?

I know there are those who will say “at least she’ll have a dad”. That’s true, but what’s the point of having a car with a blown transmission. Yeah, having a car is nice but if it doesn’t work, it doesn’t help much.

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