As we close out Christmas

This Christmas I think meant more to me than any others in the past. Around 6 family members, along with myself, had Covid. Watching those around us get sick and knowing that the hospitals can’t help, was draining. And although we all felt like death, we pulled through. Being a diabetic, what scares me right now is that I have noticed my eyesight is worse after having Covid. As I said, we pulled through it, but I think we all know someone, whether it be family or friends that has experienced a loss of someone from Covid. We also have to remember our troops who are overseas right now missing their families, not knowing if there family is healthy or if their spouse is being faithful. 20 years ago this week, I called my then girlfriend who was also in the service, to wish her a Merry Christmas. Her mom answered and said she was in the hospital, recovering from her abortion. I should have a 20 year old son right now, but she went behind my back, 5 months pregnant and gave into her moms demands that she aborts it. So I know first hand how our troops overseas right now on this Christmas day are feeling and what kind of thoughts are going through their head about their loved ones back home. As I stated, this Christmas meant more to me because it made you realize that its not the presents around the tree, but the presence of those around you, is what matters.

“What Do You Get When You Cross a Mentally Ill Loner with a Society Who Abandons Him ..?”

“You get what you fucking deserve”- Joker

When I hear this dialog in the movie Joker, it totally makes sense. I think about those who are mentally ill that can’t get the help they need. Then, when they snap and kill themselves or others, people question what could have been done to stop this person. Well, for starters, better mental health facilities with qualified staff would work.

From my personal experience, the VA comes to mind. You have staff there that has not dealt with or been trained to handle people with PTSD or mental illness. Of course you have a few psychologist or therapist that understand it, but even then you are pushed out into the civil sector with people who have no life experiences or can’t relate to the patient. All they have is a piece of paper or two hanging in a frame on the wall showing that they can write a thesis.

Around the later part of 2000, as Security Forces, I was in a foxhole with another SF member on our post. Like most SF members do when guarding something, you do “one up, one down” which basically means one person sleeps while the other stays awake. Of course this is frowned upon, but when you are working 12 hours shifts in the dark, it tends to happen. Anyways, one night it was my partners turn to stay up while I slept. Well, I woke up to something tapping the back of my head. When I opened my eyes, my partner was staring at me wide eyed. Then I hear “Airman Gonzales, you are fkn dead.” The staff sergeant took my loaded m16 and stuck it to the back of my head. That was the tapping that woke me up. My stupid mfkn partner fell asleep after me and could have gotten us killed. From that day forward, I do not like when people are behind me. Someone from my civilian job once came up behind me and flicked the back of my neck. Mind you I already told my coworkers not to come up behind me, yet this dumb shit thought it would be a good idea. Well, I turned around, made a fist and told him that if he ever did that again that I would fkn kill him. His smile didn’t last long when he noticed I wasn’t playing. Now of course I wasn’t really going to kill him, but I really would have jaw jacked him if I didn’t think before I acted.

The VA set me up with a therapist on the outside and it didn’t go so well. When the person says “well Robert, you know you should have probably stayed awake” it doesn’t sit well with me. No shit sherlock, I’m glad you studied a college text book to tell me that. This is why the VA needs to attract more healthcare veterans to work at the VA. You want to be able to talk to someone who possibly had the same or similar experiences as yourself.

At least the VA pays for my sessions. Honestly, I saw what they charged the VA and couldn’t believe it. How can someone who is mentally ill and homeless or living paycheck to paycheck be expected to pay these crazy amounts? Of course you may have health insurance, but you are only allotted so many times per year. You see someone for 12 sessions because that’s is all you are allowed, but a 13th session could have been the session that prevented you from killing yourself that night.

The system is not set up to help you, it is set up to help itself. When you are denied being seen by a mental health professional because you are homeless, have no insurance, no money, no means of payment, well …you get what you fucking deserve.

Debates 2020

In just a few hours, President Trump and Joe Biden will be center stage for the 1st Presidential debate of 2020. As of right now, here are a few things we know. For starters, Trump wants Biden to take a drug test. I’m not really sure why and I honestly don’t care if he is taking something. Second, Biden’s staff has asked that there be small breaks throughout the debate. That’s not a very good sign of Biden’s stamina or lack thereof. Third, Trump has asked that Biden not be able to use a teleprompter or a “hearing aid”. This should be a no brainer. I want to hear answers that are in the moment, from the actual candidate, not someone speaking into Biden’s ear piece. This reminds me of the bs that Hilary pulled in 2016. She was given the questions prior to the debates and still had her ass handed to her. At least she was being sneaky about it I guess.

I’m not a fan of Biden, however I feel bad for the guy. He is being used and probably doesn’t even realize it. I think we can agree that Biden’s mind is not all there and watching him give his interviews is embarrassing. You have a guy who seems to be going through early onset dementia and the Democratic party is using him to gain power. And are we to believe that he personally picked Kamala Harris? His family should be ashamed. They are making this man look like an idiot who can’t even recite the Pledge of Allegiance and it’s not even his fault.

Now what? Well, now it’s a waiting game. Trump is going to go in on Biden and not pull back. I think Biden’s group is going to have to do a lot of damage control and break out the Covid card for the 2nd debates.

Happy Meal

Before I picked up my daughter from her moms house, I decided to go to the McDonald’s drive through and get her some nuggets and fries. My daughter is 16 months old and like any kid her age, is very picky.

Anyways I figured I’d just get myself the nuggets and fries and give her a few of mine. As I’m looking at the menu, I see they still have the happy meals. I say “still” because I know the fun police is trying to stop anything that may lead to obesity because of a toy in a bag. Stupid I know.

So i grab the happy meal and start to think of all the times my parents bought me and my sister one. If I had to lift a finger on one hand as to how many times, I’d still be making a fist. I honestly can not remember us ever getting happy meals. That’s besides the point i guess.

So I get my daughter, strap her in her car seat and we start our way back to my apartment. I look in the rear view mirror and see her little face staring out of the window. I reach in my bag and grab a fry to give to her. I reach back and i can see her little hand move up to grab it.

It’s like watching a fighter jet refuel while still in the air. The pilot must be thinking “steady…steady..”. Well that’s how it felt. I’m trying to make sure her little hand has a hold of this golden fry. With a little bit of movement, we have success.

Back to the happy meal. So we get home and i put her in her high chair, grab her the chocolate milk, the nuggets and the fries. She goes straight for the fries, which I don’t blame her…it was a good batch today. But then I pulled out the toy. The look on her face was as if she witnessed King Arthur pull Excalibur from the stone. Her face lit up with a smile and she started clapping. I pulled the Minions toy out of the plastic and handed it to her. Sure, I could have waited to give it to her, but why?

For those that don’t know me, I have always wanted kids. I didn’t get blessed with one until I was 39, so it was kind of a late start. As my friends are getting excited for their kids high school or even college graduation, I am getting excited about a happy meal.

Will she remember this happy meal? Of course not. And to be honest, I probably wont either. But right now at this moment in time, a small box with golden arches and a toy put a smile on both of our faces.

Good Lord, Tat wtf?

This morning I set up my equipment at my sisters house so I could record my niece announcing which college she was going to.  Sitting across from me was a young lady who is taking the next step in her life.  Wish she would have chosen a school closer to Chicago (only so my dad and i have a place to stay after the Blackhawks game) but she picked the one that was right for her.  I have watched a little girl grow up to be a beautiful young woman.  The memory I will always have of us is her sitting on my lap as i read her a book.  As I sat there listening to her trying to get her words out, I thought about Chichi and listening to her talking gibberish.  It’s basically listening to Charlie Brown’s teacher, wha wha wha wha wha. It’s kind of funny how my niece can do numerous news interviews for her winning state in wrestling, but can’t get out a college announcement.  So now she will be on a new journey, one that I passed up to go to the military.  I hope that she takes it all in and remembers that life is short.  Make those friends, go to those parties, make stupid choices. But also get the job done.  Get your education, be not only the best female wrestler the school has had, but be the best wrestler period.  And just as I have told my other niece, fuck what other people think, do you.

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Joker

First off, if Joaquin Phoenix doesn’t win an Oscar for his role, then something is wrong with the academy.

Like a majority of people, I  felt that Heath Ledger was the ultimate portrayal of the Joker.  In some respects, he still is.  Heath’s Joker worked will in Nolan’s Batman universe. Nolan’s Joker was grittier than what we were used to with Nicholson and Romero.  As gritty as it was, it was still based in a fantasy universe.  Would Heath still have won an Oscar for his role if he was still alive?  I don’t believe so.

Then we have the train wreck of Jared Leto’s Joker. Going from Heath’s Joker to Leto’s is like going from soda to water.  Yeah they’re both wet, but that’s the only thing they have in common. We can’t really blame Leto for his take on the Joker, that blame goes to Warner Brothers for allowing it.  It’s ok to revision the look of Joker, but Warner Bros. went to the extreme.

Now we have Phoenix’s Joker.  The reason I feel this Joker works so well and is better than Heath’s is because the character can end up being any of us. His mental illness/disorder was true to life. Watching him transform after his medication was cut off, shows how millions of people have to deal with an illness when insurance companies wont cover the meds or how pharmaceutical companies want to over charge.  Watching him contemplate suicide and then killing Murray reminded me of when i go to the VA and they ask “do you want to hurt yourself or hurt someone else?”.  My answer is no, i don’t want to hurt myself, yes i want to hurt someone else.  Just to be clear, im not talking about killing anyway lol just want to beat someones ass sometimes.  Being delusional about his neighbor was so well done, I can only compare it to the Sixth Sense.  You feel sorry for him and then see him find a love who accepts him, only to find out that it was all in his head.

There are a few scenes that I want to talk about.  First is the dancing on the steps.  Who ever thought of using Gary Glitter is awesome. Sure the guy is a pedo, but this song matches so perfectly being set in the 80s.  And for those complaining about it being used, every stadium in the US plays this damn song.  Second is the killing of Mur-ray.  Loved how he called him that. As Joker was getting upset, you could feel the realness as he raised his voice.

“This movie shouldn’t be shown, it will trigger people”  Yes, let’s ban a movie because it might trigger someone. If that’s the case, just shut down theaters now because someone will get triggered by something sometime or another.  I think what it does is open peoples eyes that mental illness is real and that we need to find help for those suffering from it.

“This movie is too dark.  I had to leave with my kids.”  First off, why would you take your kids to see a rated “R” movie? That’s your own dumb ass fault. Second, “You get what you fucking deserve!”

 

Lets paint some rocks.

So lately I’ve been painting some rocks for a group that I belong to on facebook.  We paint rocks, then hide them for others to find.  Those people will post the rock on the site, then re-hide or keep it.  Fun, relaxing little hobby.

 

URrocked

Well shit…

As I got off work today I got in my car and sped home. Zooming past cars left and right, going through yellow lights as they were turning red. Sweat beads on my forehead drip down to my eyes blurring my vision, while the perspiration under my arms begins to seep through my shirt.

I NEED TO GET HOME NOW, my mind keeps telling me as if someone is in the passenger seat screaming in my ear. I pull into my driveway slowly, but still with a sense of urgency.  I run into my home with my heart beating like a native summoning the rain. I look down, see my girlfriend on the floor with my daughter. AM I TOO LATE as i look down at them.  Nope, they’re just sleeping.

I run towards my bedroom, open the door ever so slightly…and there it is..looking right back at me.  My Gun.  Whew, thank god! I was worried about it walking out of  the house and going on a killing spree.

What a relief.  I mean I keep hearing on the news that guns are to blame for the mass shootings in El Paso and Dayton.  I kind of have to wonder when my gun is going to grow legs too, like those used the past few days.  I don’t know, maybe Glocks are late bloomers….

Do we see how stupid that story sounds?  MORE GUN LAWS!! MORE GUN RESTRICTIONS!! Yeah, that will help.  Perhaps you can use old Barbara’s “Just Say No” and post it above a picture of a gun. You know, cause that worked so well for the War on Drugs.

Guns are not the issue, it’s the people behind the gun.  I know..I know.  Here comes the “guns don’t kill people, people kill people” speech.  Well, yeah. It’s about self accountability. As a diabetic myself, if I die today from drinking a 2 liter of pepsi, does my girlfriend say NO MORE SODA, BAN ALL SODA’s.  No, of course not. She has enough commons sense to say well,  self accountability, Robert knew that soda could kill him.

Same goes for those two people who caused the mass shootings.  They both woke up, put there clothes on, walked out the door and did what they did.  At no time did the weapon used grab either of them and said “lets go kill some people today”

We need to stop blaming the gun/knife/plane/whatever and start putting the blame on the person committing the act.  Gun laws aren’t going to do a damn thing but punish the responsible gun owner like myself.  What we need to do is offer better mental health care. We need to teach our youth that not all blacks are gangsters, not all brown people are illegal and not all whites are racist.  Not all whites are racist?? Believe it or not, most aren’t. But you wouldn’t believe that according to the media.

Self accountability folks, it goes a long way. Stop blaming the guns, stop blaming the President, stop blaming the music, stop blaming the video games…blame the people doing the act.  And for the love of god, stop glorifying it on the news.